wow, ummm, sorry about the no updating thing

Hello world Flora here,

Dear gods I'm am so sorry I havn't updated since December 1. I'll dispell with the usual excuses.
Though I have a few, work for starters was insane. The hospital where i work just opened up a new tower and of course we were understaffed so my boss asked if I would be willing to work the day shifts on the days they moved people and I, like an idiot said yes. Not only did she schedule me for five days worth of day shifts out of fourteen, but I was jumping back and forth a lot, night day day night off night day day. Yeah it was kinda nuts. And they'd call me on my days off too, asking if I wanted to work because, apparently everyone else on the schedule was either in school, working a second job, has young kids or traveling around the universe in the TARDIS and can't make it in. And yeah yeah, I know the economy is the pits right now. I'm just so lucky to have a job right now. But when I wake up in the morning and just cry because dammit I really don't want to go to work today.. that's when something just has to change. Fortunatly, they have some new hires now and I've actually had whole days where they don't ask me to come in on my day off. What a luxury!

The other thing which kept me from posting is that sadly, my poor husband, through no fault of his own is not going to be able to finish his teaching program. After every thing he's been through, all the money we sunk in which isn't even ours in the first place, all the time and effort and stress and tears, they won't let him finish. I'd post the details, but we're considering options and I don't want to muck things up by dispalying everything all over the internet. I mean, I know I don't have any readers at the moment but this is the internet, for all I know the University is googling their own name constantly and I fear if I post too much that could give away any details, it might close some options. But anyways, I digress. He's getting kicked out. We appealed the decision, they denied it. The thearpist that we were seeing was through the school and now because he's offically not a student, she can't see us anymore. Poor husband is so depressed he's practically lost all hope. Actually it's worse then that, he's not sucidal but he's angry and doesn't really know how to deal with it. He's lost. His dream job may be unatainable and he doesn't know how to cope. I love him and I want to help but I hate the way he talks sometimes. Some times he seems fine, normal and I think maybe we'll be ok. Maybe he can find something else and we'll get out of this mess. Sometimes he just looks sad and sort of whistful, far off and I ask if he's ok. (Honestly I don't know why I ask, I know what's wrong and there's nothing I can do but I ask anways.)And he says, "Oh the usual." We hug and I try to be comforting but it's sort of empty. Then there are days like last night, when he came home from game night still sad and upset and depressed and angry all mixed together. Fun times. It's bad enough when he's so angry he talks about actually wanting to hurt people, wanting to make them suffer like he's suffering. But he says stuff like "I'm 30, what am I going to do with the rest of my life. What purpose do I have?" URRRGH!!!! I want to scream, yell, gods I don't even know what I want to do to convince him he's only 30. I mean since when was 30 practically dead? Is there a law that states that if you don't have your dream job by age 30 that you're life is meaningless and your destined to be fast food fry cook? What the hell is wrong with him that he can't see that? We can try again. I've already said I'd be supportive. If the worst case sceniro happens, work at something else for a few years, and we'll look into trying again. But no, it's all "what if i get cancer just after I get my degree." or "with my weight and stress I probably won't live to see 50." Or my personal favorite "Dead classmate didn't get to live to be a teacher, same thing will proabably happen to me." Dead gods, as I write I can feel the bile form in my poor stomach. My shoulders are tense, I can't sleep. I don't really have anyone I can talk too. ANd I feel sort of guilty even typing any of this out because i feel like I should be more for him. You know? I should know the right thing to say that would help him feel better or keep my temper in check so he doesn't have to worry that the neighbors are going to hear us arguing and get us kicked out. But not only can't I I don't always want to either. I mean, I want to vent oh so badly. I want to scream. I want to cry, right now I really want to and can't. I want him to shut up once in a while and let me comfort him. Actually now that I think about it I want him to lie to me, say he feels better even if he doesn't because then I'll at least think I'm helping and he feels better. I want to be able to say to him "don't worry about it" and actually have that be comforting enough that he doesn't worry about it any more. I know it's not going to happen but, for once I wish he could do it for me. Just pretend, for once. Just so I could have a little less stress in my life.
Another thing I felt a little bad about, was that apart from him, I actually had a decent evening. I had an evening to myself, bbq chicken with a big salad. (yummy yummy meat on the bone. Dear Husband has an aversion to meat on the bone. I think that reminding him that this was once a living being creeps him out.)I didn't have to worry about dinner getting caught. (see, he has this thing where his throat gets kind of tight and food gets caught in it. Not in the tracha, where he would be able to breath, but lower where he can't really swallow until whatever is caught either goes down or up. Often he end up throwing up the rest of the meal trying to remedy this. It doesn't happen often, but it's unerving when it does. I usually try to serve soups or stews to prevent this.) Had the computer to myself all night. Got some stuff done, I relaxed. It was really nice. Until he came home and wrecked it. Horrible thing to say is'nt it? I know. I feel like even admitting that, I'm a bad wife. *sigh* Just how much stress can one person take?
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Good morning

Hello world Flora here,
As hundreds of thousands of American workers head back to their nine to five job today groaning, with the memory of a long weekend behind them. I'm left with one happy thought about my crazy shift schedule. For me, at least, it's just Monday. And I'm off tomorrow.

I want to cry

Hello world, flora here,

I really want to cry.
H's school is the most incompetent, bureaucatic, pathetic instituation to call itself a University I've ever seen. Seriously. If you manage to stay on the nice neat little path they set aside for you, you'll be fine but if one thing goes wrong, you're in for a world of hurt. Not only are they forcing him to retake his practium 2 in the winter semester by scheduling all the instructors so that, even if he did find his own placement there would be no one to supervise but they're placing him in a school that's so formal all the students wear ties. Which, is not good for H because he's a very casual person. I'm so pissed off. I'd love to walk right over to the head of the department and demand she place him now, in a halfway decent place or threaten to sue but obviously I have no money, time or power to do so. To top it all off, H has been flip floping on going to this gaming convention. When he decided not to go, I didn't take the days off of work, but now he wants to go, but I can't go with him and he doesn't want to go alone so he's inadvertently making me feel guilty about saying no. And it happens to fall on my birthday. My 30th birthday. The birthday that I'd both dreading and silently wishing I had big plans for. The birthday that HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE ON!!!!! Only now, knowing him he's going to be whiny and pouty, and all "I don't understand why you couldn't beg off of work and just go anyways even though I know you wouldn't really enjoy it anyways. It's not like I'm expecting cards, or a cake or even a stupid gift. (can't really afford any of that anyways even thought it might be nice) But oh I don't know, lunch and a movie would be nice. Or maybe a trip tot he mall to pick up something. Oh and don't forget someone made a scheduling error in our monthly gaming schedule so that It's now scheduled for the week before the day I requested off. Nice. I guess it's screw with Floramel day, week, month, year.
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(no subject)

I'm in a bad mood. Yesterday at work, people were cranky over not getting their food in a timly manner. Most people were fairly polite and called down like I told them since really, I don't have anything to do with the ordering process. One girl/woman (not sure of her age she looked young but she was roomed with the adults) told me she already called down and asked if I'd call down again. In all honesty there isn't much I can do in the situation, the most I can do is either contact her nurse and ask the nurse to talk to my supervisor or contact my supervisor directly, explain what's going on and let him/her take it from there. But when I tried to explain this she goes "why? because that's not your job?" And thank the gods my co-worker walked in with the tray, because I don't know what I would have done. I was livid. And even when I left she says "Thanks flora you really went above and beyond the call of duty." Urrgghh!!! H's school can't get him a placement for practium until winter semester so that's yet another 3 months of school and gosh only knows how much in student loans. And when I looked at the schedule for today it turns out I'm training the new people today. Which I hate hate hate doing. I'm not very social, I sort of like just being left alone to do my job and now i'm going to be spending the better part of the week with a newbie following me around, me explaining everything I do and feeling awkward if I even go to the bathroom. And to top it all off the ending for the first season of Starter Wife was disapointing. It started out well but in the end Debra Messing's character decides she shouldn't be in a relationship until she "rediscovers herself" all well and good right? Well they skip over all the time she spends doing that to her birthday which i assume is a six months later and she's ready again! We don't get to see any of that rediscovery time oh no that's not interesting enough! Oh no, no one is intrested in watching a show about a smart attractive woman being independent. No let's skip over all that so we can watch the romantic bits. Oh an the friend who is was pissed about her husband having a brief fling with the nanny? She can't bring herself to cheat on him but the image that replaces the one that haunts her of him boffing the nanny is of course her finelly being pregnant with his kid. Awww how sweet. Another message that good girls don't sleep around.
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posting a half entry

Hello world, flora here,
Where should I begin? I was off on Friday. It was a nice relaxing sort of day, even though poor husband had a headache through most of it. Since I was scheduled to work a day shift the next day, a shift that begins at 6:30 in the morning, I planned the evening carefully. Dinner at 6, two hours to relax, shower at 8 and in bed reading at nine until I fall asleep. Until, eight actually came and husband goes into the bathroom and starts freaking out. You see his right eye spontaneously drifts off to the left. He starts panicking, I try to calm him down. He asks if I think he should go to the ER. I say I don't know, he calls his dad. His dad strongly suggests, given the family history of strokes that he go. So we pack up a few books and go. We entered at nine-thirty on a Friday night. They are packed. People in sweats looking slightly green. One woman is wheeled in a chair and, when told to wait immedietly lies down near the back. We're taken in the back where H is weighted and asked a few questions. The CNA smiles at me, asks if i worked today. Oh yeah, I remember I work here. The hospital seems like a different place when I'm with a patient or am one. His condition is either deems not an immediate emergency or if it ever was it's too late to do anything about it so we're told it'll be a few hours. So we wait. One of the pastors comes by, asks how we're doing. We have a pleasent if slightly awkward conversation. We continue to wait as the entire ER waiting room clears out. We finally get a room. It's now midnight and I start thinking about tomorrow's shift. Well, if we make it out my three I could grab a few hours of sleep, shower eat and then make it back. I go back to Wicked, the novel I'm reading. Someone comes by to check him in.

I was writing this a week ago when i was interrupted, I don't remember why and I just never finished the entry. I'm posting it now because it seems like a waste of time energy if I don't. The concluesion is that H is fine. The cat-scan ruled out any sort of stroke or anurysm. His recent eye-doctor appointment concluded that it's neurlogical in origin which means he's probably developing migraines from all the stress we're under. Oh and Wicked, at least as a novel is overrated in my opinion.

not that bad

Hello world, flora here,

Hey, guess what? It turns out that it's not that bad after all. Sorry to sound dire yesterday. I think we're going to be ok. However, my inlaws have this really irritating habit of being bothered by something we did and only telling us about it after the fact. Worse yet, they often will say it on behalf of someone else and then say "don't tell so and so I told you this." They did this in 2004 when we bought a house and then they were hurt that we didn't invite them over for thanksgiving dinner. Never mind the fact that we didn't have anyone over for Thanksgiving, I was in school full time, H was working full time and we were still in the moving state. Then it happened again when Mother-In-Law was hurt because we didn't visit for mother's day. Nevermind the fact that, her birthday is a week later and we told her weeks ahead that it would be better for us to make the drive on her birthday because we didn't live all that close at the time, we were trying to sell our house in a poor housing market and I was really upset by that choice, I still miss our old house. Now they're upset because we didn't visit Grandma while she was in hospice care. Once again they completly forget all the other times we dropped what we were doing to help out with her stroke, visit/care for her while they were working or just getting some time to themselves and H called multiple times only to be told that since there wasn't any change there wasn't much point in coming over anyways. What were we suppose to do? Just barge in? And what's really ironic is that they wonder why we're not closer.

no subject

Hello world, flora here,
Blogging my be sparse for a while. I'm not sure if there was some miscommunication or if my father in law really doesn't remember but apparently he's cutting the loan short. Which means I may have to either ask my parents for money or start working more hours maybe both. I'm hoping this doesn't mean that H has to drop out of school and go back to acturial. He's so close to finishing at this point that I'd think it would be stupid but we'll see. Further posts as evens warrent.
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I need a new job

Hello world, flora here

Last night at work I learned we're getting new uniforms. The manager told us how she's been getting complaints that the jackets we wear over the grey shirts are too hot most of the time. I agree with her that they are. The new uniforms, however, are grey button shirts which we get the privilage to pay for, of course. Not to mention I've been wearing the wrong kind of pants. Top that off with the special no slip resturant shoes I had to buy because the old ones barely lasted six months and that's more money on clothes I've spent for work then I did for my wedding dress. I was pissed but when I told my husband this he was livid. He even said I should threaten to quit unless the company paid for their own feldercard uniforms until I reminded him that my job not only helps with expenses while he's in school but also provides insurance. And while we, as resonably healthy people can live without medical insurance, it's not easy. But it's also the fact that I don't want to be the martyer. I don't just want to not lose my job I hate confrontation. Heck I hate drawing too much attention to myself. I'd rather just blend into the background and do my own thing. Well, maybe when husband is out of school we can save up our money and go into business for ourselves someday.

thoughts on blogging

Hello world, flora here,
Blogging is so weird, in a way. I feel like I'm sending my innermost secrets into some void never to be seen again. I feel both self conscious and brave for doing it. On one hand, I'm pretty much announcing my secrets to the whole world. This may not seem unusual to some people, but I'm a pretty private person. Part of that is because I'm kinda geeky and tend to have interests outside of mainstream pop culture. Sometimes I'll make a Battlestar Galactica reference only to have the other people look at me like I just grew a second head. But I also live in secret fear that if other people really knew me, they wouldn't like me. It's like I never really grew past 13, that insecure age where you obsess about the zit on your chin completely convinced that everyone else is staring at it when in reality, they're obsessing about their own zits. I'm better about it then I used to be. But I still do it. I'd rather die then admit this out loud and yet here I am posting it on the internet with the comment section fully functional for all the world to ridicule. What's really weird is that, while my husband knows I blog I havn't shown him the blog nor have I let him read it yet. Which is really unusual for us because we're really close. I don't know, maybe I'll get the guts to show him later on. We'll see.

a few observations

Hello world, Flora here

Last night I listened the the presidential debates on NPR (my husband is turning me into an NPR nerd!) I'm not going to talk politics here. I think there are way too many blogs doing that already and far better then I could. I will make a few observations thought. I only got to hear the second half and a few highlights from CNN, thanks to work going over as usual. However, McCain seemed to answer every question by bringing up something from the past, usually it only had a vague reference to the question at hand. Obama came across as pushy, almost but not quite rude when he followed his answers with "when I'm president." I'm curious to see the vice presidential debates in October, considering that I'm not sure how I feel about either one.

Tomorrow I'm off. I plan to spend the day with H. We'll probably take a nice walk around town, go to the library. (I love libraries!) Maybe play a few board games. Today, I plan on taking a brief break from my comic and try more serious art with my Wacom tablet. Maybe I'll post the results. Heck if I really like it I'll make a deviant art account.