Dear gods I'm am so sorry I havn't updated since December 1. I'll dispell with the usual excuses.
Though I have a few, work for starters was insane. The hospital where i work just opened up a new tower and of course we were understaffed so my boss asked if I would be willing to work the day shifts on the days they moved people and I, like an idiot said yes. Not only did she schedule me for five days worth of day shifts out of fourteen, but I was jumping back and forth a lot, night day day night off night day day. Yeah it was kinda nuts. And they'd call me on my days off too, asking if I wanted to work because, apparently everyone else on the schedule was either in school, working a second job, has young kids or traveling around the universe in the TARDIS and can't make it in. And yeah yeah, I know the economy is the pits right now. I'm just so lucky to have a job right now. But when I wake up in the morning and just cry because dammit I really don't want to go to work today.. that's when something just has to change. Fortunatly, they have some new hires now and I've actually had whole days where they don't ask me to come in on my day off. What a luxury!
The other thing which kept me from posting is that sadly, my poor husband, through no fault of his own is not going to be able to finish his teaching program. After every thing he's been through, all the money we sunk in which isn't even ours in the first place, all the time and effort and stress and tears, they won't let him finish. I'd post the details, but we're considering options and I don't want to muck things up by dispalying everything all over the internet. I mean, I know I don't have any readers at the moment but this is the internet, for all I know the University is googling their own name constantly and I fear if I post too much that could give away any details, it might close some options. But anyways, I digress. He's getting kicked out. We appealed the decision, they denied it. The thearpist that we were seeing was through the school and now because he's offically not a student, she can't see us anymore. Poor husband is so depressed he's practically lost all hope. Actually it's worse then that, he's not sucidal but he's angry and doesn't really know how to deal with it. He's lost. His dream job may be unatainable and he doesn't know how to cope. I love him and I want to help but I hate the way he talks sometimes. Some times he seems fine, normal and I think maybe we'll be ok. Maybe he can find something else and we'll get out of this mess. Sometimes he just looks sad and sort of whistful, far off and I ask if he's ok. (Honestly I don't know why I ask, I know what's wrong and there's nothing I can do but I ask anways.)And he says, "Oh the usual." We hug and I try to be comforting but it's sort of empty. Then there are days like last night, when he came home from game night still sad and upset and depressed and angry all mixed together. Fun times. It's bad enough when he's so angry he talks about actually wanting to hurt people, wanting to make them suffer like he's suffering. But he says stuff like "I'm 30, what am I going to do with the rest of my life. What purpose do I have?" URRRGH!!!! I want to scream, yell, gods I don't even know what I want to do to convince him he's only 30. I mean since when was 30 practically dead? Is there a law that states that if you don't have your dream job by age 30 that you're life is meaningless and your destined to be fast food fry cook? What the hell is wrong with him that he can't see that? We can try again. I've already said I'd be supportive. If the worst case sceniro happens, work at something else for a few years, and we'll look into trying again. But no, it's all "what if i get cancer just after I get my degree." or "with my weight and stress I probably won't live to see 50." Or my personal favorite "Dead classmate didn't get to live to be a teacher, same thing will proabably happen to me." Dead gods, as I write I can feel the bile form in my poor stomach. My shoulders are tense, I can't sleep. I don't really have anyone I can talk too. ANd I feel sort of guilty even typing any of this out because i feel like I should be more for him. You know? I should know the right thing to say that would help him feel better or keep my temper in check so he doesn't have to worry that the neighbors are going to hear us arguing and get us kicked out. But not only can't I I don't always want to either. I mean, I want to vent oh so badly. I want to scream. I want to cry, right now I really want to and can't. I want him to shut up once in a while and let me comfort him. Actually now that I think about it I want him to lie to me, say he feels better even if he doesn't because then I'll at least think I'm helping and he feels better. I want to be able to say to him "don't worry about it" and actually have that be comforting enough that he doesn't worry about it any more. I know it's not going to happen but, for once I wish he could do it for me. Just pretend, for once. Just so I could have a little less stress in my life.
Another thing I felt a little bad about, was that apart from him, I actually had a decent evening. I had an evening to myself, bbq chicken with a big salad. (yummy yummy meat on the bone. Dear Husband has an aversion to meat on the bone. I think that reminding him that this was once a living being creeps him out.)I didn't have to worry about dinner getting caught. (see, he has this thing where his throat gets kind of tight and food gets caught in it. Not in the tracha, where he would be able to breath, but lower where he can't really swallow until whatever is caught either goes down or up. Often he end up throwing up the rest of the meal trying to remedy this. It doesn't happen often, but it's unerving when it does. I usually try to serve soups or stews to prevent this.) Had the computer to myself all night. Got some stuff done, I relaxed. It was really nice. Until he came home and wrecked it. Horrible thing to say is'nt it? I know. I feel like even admitting that, I'm a bad wife. *sigh* Just how much stress can one person take?