possible creative insight,

Hello world, flora here!

Ok, I hope I don't sound like a megadork but I'm ecstatic today! I have a reader! *yay* :-) If that's not motivation to update more often, I don't know what is!

Not sure I should admit this or not, but I just started and stopped two entry topics. Thinking that they weren't good enough or interesting enough. Then I sat and stared at the screen for about 20 minutes before going back to my stream of consciousness form of writing. I find this both sad and insightful. Sad because I hate my inner editor. Plus I made it my goal to be more confident this year and I feel that if I'm being self conscious here, where I'm trying to just be me, well something ain't right. But insightful too, because I've been having a lot of trouble just working on this project, a webcomic I've been trying to create. I'll draw a little, then stare at the screen for about ten minutes then my eyes will drift back over to the monitor where an ehell story will be waiting for me to read. Or a link to another webcomic or story or something to distract myself with. But maybe it's not that I'm having trouble with ideas themselves, maybe I'm editing out ideas before then even get into the part of my brain where I can draw them out. Or maybe I just need to get over myself. Or change my routine. Or maybe I'm being an idiot. Anyways in the meantime, out of frustration I drew this yesterday. The girl with the long hair and funny bangs is my avatar, I call her chibi flora. The guy with the funny beard is the avatar of my husband. I call him Zomulgustar, or Z for short.





edited to add: well, I've successfully loaded the image. But I thought it would be bigger, at least big enough to read the dialog. I'll fuss with it more tomorrow.

I think i've been linked!

Hello world, flora here!

I've been linked! I'm honored. I honestly didn't think anyone was reading this blog. I've been linked by http://anniesrexia.blogspot.com/ Annie is a woman living in the UK with her husband and two daughters and her eating disorder. She frightfully honest about her disorder and how she and her husband struggle with it day by day and worry about how it affects her daughters. I admire her for putting herself out there on the internet, practically naked for everyone to see. Check it out.

In other news, the summer was nice, peaceful expect that my husband had trouble getting into his classes for fall. He's in grad school for teaching and last semester didn't go well. He managed to get A's in all his classes except the practium (sp?) 2. You see, practium 2 is about classroom observation and teaching four practice lessons. Well, ever since he lost his job two years about as an actuary, he's had trouble with his self confidence. I'm not sure what went wrong in his practice lessons but he received an incomplete and has to do the classroom portion over again. which means he has to be a student for an extra quarter in order for his student loans to hold. So he signed up for a class, which was canceled at two locations and nearly canceled at the third. He actually got an email that they were going to cancel the class he planned on signing up for, so he rushed down to the campus, signed up and managed to get in and save it. Hoooray!

Work is heating up again. Over the summer we got a decent staff and the hospital count was low so it was pretty relaxing. I took off some time to work on a project. I didn't get as far as I would have liked but that's ok. Now the count is creeping up and people seem to be quitting left and right. We've already lost three people and two more are talking about quitting. Which sucks because my hours are already at more then I can handle, but it's not like I can't use the money. We're talking about moving when husband graduates. I'm excited about it. I realise my situation could be a lot worse but this apartment was suppose to be temporary, a year at the most. I might feel differently if husband was student teaching instead of just being a student, like I was finelly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But, he's not and sometimes I just feel kinda hopeless. What few friends I have are moving on, getting doctorates, having kids, moving on. I feel sort of stuck, more classes for H, a lousy job for me, (which I can't quit because we need the money and the insurence.) and it's not helped by the fact that I turn 30 this year. I know, whine whine whine. :-) It's really not that old but I sort of feel I should be better then I am. Thinner, cuter, more confident, better job. I'm still not sure I want kids. And by the time I finelly decide what I want to do when I grow up, it's going to be time to retire. Am I alone in this? Oh well, I'll try and update more often, once a week at least. Take care everyone.

(no subject)

Hello world, flora here!

I have not had a lot of time for writing, I'm sorry to say. Work has been busy. I work in the kitchen of a large Catholic hospital and we're almost always short staffed. I may be looking at some overtime in my paycheck this week. Not that the extra money isn't a good thing, it is but time to myself is importent to me as well. I have a project I'd like to start on and I just havn't had a lot of time for it. Not to mention all the baking I keep telling myself I'm going to get too and my apartment is just a mess. Also, my husband is in grad school and he has papers, projects, teaching lessons and whatnot to prepare for. I wish I had an extra four hours a day just to get things done.
I know, it's all about priorities and time managment, which I suck at. On the Myers-Brigg personality test, I'm clearly an INFP. Which pretty much means, creative, flighty, disorganized, introvert. I like that I'm creative, I like that I can pull a story out of my head almost anytime or just sort of disappear into my own little world. But it seems like anytime I try to organise myself by planning the day, making grocery lists or cleaning, I stick to it for about a week before I settle back into my old habits.
Thoughts?
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(no subject)

Hello world, Flora here!

Nothing super exciting happened today. I got up, made food, watched some Star Trek (original series in case you were wondering) went to work and came home. I freaked out alittle when I discovered all the lights were off when I got home. You see, we usually keep the lamp on in the living room, sometimes we keep the lights on in the kitchen area as well. The apartment was pitch black when I got home. I called husband who was at a game designers group, he walked me through the apartment. Nothing else was unusual so I read a few articles and decided to post another entry. It's weird being by myself at night. I keep imagining someone to pop out of the closet or bathroom with a knife, a ghostly figure to appear in the mirror, a chainsaw wielding psycho to break down the window. Good gods, how do people, women especially, live alone?

Feeling left out

Hello world, flora here.

I hate that my first post is going to be such a negative one. But I'm kinda feeling upset and sad and kind of stupid for feeling upset over something that's kinda dumb. But here goes. Some friends of mine, people who I thought were really really good friends, started a weekly role playing game And didn't invite me or my husband. And I'd like to know why. I've wanted to know why for about a year or so when they actually started this X-day nightly rpg session. They know we enjoy gaming with them. We've done so for years with little to no conflict. We havn't had any fights that I know of, or secret resentments. Or course if we did, would I know? At first I thought that they just wanted to keep the game small and since they're all local and we're not, I figured it would be ok but I recently learned that they just invited two more people making it seven not five and again I wasn't even asked! If that's not bad enough, they talk about their game casually when we do get together rubbing salt in the wound even more. So what do I do? Ask them? I'm too shy and it seems really rude to me to just say, "Hey, Bob, how come no one asked me to be in the X day game?"
On the other hand a bit of awkwardness would be better then a lifetime of resentment. Sometimes I wish I could be a jerk. I wish I had the guts to tell them it sounds like a dumb game, or make up stories about how I have tons of friends out here and we're doing really really awesome stuff, too bad you can't be apart of it. Or make anonymous comments in their own blogs just to make me feel better. But I probably won't. Hell, I wish I could say I hope their game ends in a petty fight or brakes up completely but I also hope it doesn't. They're my friends and I want them to have fun. I just wish they had invited me.